Definitions of manifesto from Google:

Isn't that neato. Check out number 3. I had a fairly good idea that a manifesto was a public declaration of what you stand for, but I had no idea that there was a history of artistic manifesto. Which leads me to the question - What is your artistic manifesto? What do you stand for? What theories, feelings, perceptions, social causes do you long to express? Answering these questions in your journal may lead to an enlightening conversation with yourself. This process can open doors through which your passion and vision can be released with greater energy and purpose. The process of writing these is not a "get it right" exercise but rather an invigorating and energizing exercise that will evolve with you. I invite you to declare your artistic intentions and empower your creative vision.

You may want to have different manifestos for different portions of your life: mother, writer, artist, daughter ...

I've rewritten the Creative Mamas homepage to reflect my personal manifesto on what it is to be a creativity coach. And I am in the process of brainstorming my manifestos as mother and writer. I will share as they come to life and I invite you to share your manifestos by posting a comment below. I would love to hear from you!

Declare yourself, Mama! Let's go!

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I hope you enjoy it. Let me know!

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When I do finally decide that I absolutely must get up, I am usually in a hurry because I hit snooze three times. Have you ever tried to get a grumpy seven year old to hurry. Ha! I know better - yet still I try. So what happens we end up walking out the door fuming at each other because we have been bickering for the last 30 minutes about getting ready, finding shoes, brushing teeth, and arguing over what is appropriate for a seven year old to wear to school. Bicker, bicker, bicker. It ruins half the day for me and probably for her too. And it isn't the relationship I want to have with her. I hate it.

Lately, though, things have been great because I have been waking up my usual sleepy self - reluctant to start the day, taking the dog out while half asleep and crawling into the shower.

Here comes the shift. 

As soon as the warm water hits my body I consciously choose to shift my mood. I get happy. I get excited. Whatever it takes - singing, telling jokes, pretending I've won an Oscar (you should hear my brilliant acceptance speeches) - I decide right then and there that I am going to be happy and excited about the day. I want to emphasize here that this does not come naturally to me. I have to make a conscious choice and take action.

I've been doing this as a little experiment for the last week and the rewards have been phenomenal. I get out of the shower all hyped up and happy and wake up my daughter. She hates to be woken up. She's grumpy. She hasn't accepted her Oscar yet. But, mom is in a good mood and good moods are contagious. Eventually she warms up to it and we figure out a way to have fun and hurry at the same time. She loves to compete so we have been having races to see who can get dressed the fastest. Who can get to the door first. Who can finish their morning chores and find what they need for the day (car keys, backpack, permission slips) before the other one can.

In the car, she tells me stories as opposed to me lecturing her about how it is her responsibility to know where her shoes are. She sings. She talks about the funny things her friend Ellen said in circle time. I laugh. We sing to the radio. It is almost as if the old Kirsten and Emma, the fuming bickering ones, have been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by unknown happy people. The difference is that amazing. And the benefit is we are having the relationship I have always wanted to have with her. The love has always been there, but now we also have the fun. This alone is worth my weight, her weight and the car's weight in gold.

And here's the kicker...

The hidden benefit is my creativity is ROCKING! My mind is free and happy and the ideas are flowing. That time in the shower has washed away all the funk and gunk that has been clogging the creative flow. There has been a shift from...

working to be creative
to
overflowing with creative energy.

This has changed my life. My guess it that it could change yours too. Okay Mamas, get in the shower and accept your Oscar! If like me you aren't a morning person, it may feel like a "fake it till you make it" performance at first, but I guarantee it will be the performance of a lifetime! Have fun! Get flowing!

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On a not so light note, later that day after picking my daughter up from school, I pulled up to a busy intersection to make a right turn. I was looking directly at an oncoming car when my foot slipped off the brake pedal and my car lurched into the intersection directly into the path of this car. It was too late to go back and too late to make a turn so I accelerated and flew across the intersection. Brakes squealed behind me and I waited to hear the impact of the collision I had just caused. Luckily everyone kept going and there was no accident. I thank heaven for that and pray for forgiveness from the other drivers who no doubt experienced the same moments of terror and panic that I did in that moment.

I can’t for a fact say this was entirely due to me being tired, because accidents do happen. But I do know that my reflexes would have been sharper if I had the rest my body and mind need in order to function.

Being too tired is a big deal. So what to do?

First of all let’s take a look at everything you are doing right now. I’m working full time, parenting a child by myself (with help, but without a second parent present), acting in a play that rehearses every evening, for this play I am learning to tap dance all over again after a 15 year hiatus, participating in committee work, attending meetings, ignoring the laundry, trying to maintain some semblance of a social life, eating fast food, writing my novel on any available scrap of paper while standing in line or wolfing down my lunch… I'm sure your list can more than compeat with mine.

What are we doing? Too much!!!

Again, so what to do?

1. Rest
   This is obvious, I know. But it can be the last thing that comes to mind. Say no. Give yourself a break and get some sleep. We have to give ourselves permission to take the time we need to care for ourselves. It really is the only cure. Now, what happens if you just can’t?
   
2. Ask for help.
   Don’t expect those you care for to notice that you need help. Don’t expect them to know how to help you. Make specific requests. Let’s face it mamas, we are the caretakers. It’s a great gig. We’re good at it. Unfortunately this may mean that those we care for can forget that we sometimes require care too.
   
3. Don’t try to remember anything!
   Get a notebook, calendar, legal pad – whatever you can carry with you – and write everything down. Empty your head! Don’t’ say to your self, “I’ll write that down when I get home.” Write it down right then and there wherever you are whoever you are talking to. They will wait.
   
4. Collaborate and Delegate
   Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the success or failure of all things. What responsibilities can you share with someone? What can you give away? You will have to make an objective assessment of this. Sit down with your list and only take on the things that require your unique genius.
   
5. Hire someone to do it for you.
   If you have the money, go for it. Your time is more valuable. I promise you.
   
6. Nourish yourself.
   Eat good food that supports your bodies’ needs. Avoid any food that subtracts from feeling good.
   
7. Stay calm.
   Listen to music that calms you. Take one minute and look at the scenery around you. Listen to the birds. Breathe! These little things can be forgotten and can make a big difference.

Okay, what’s the big deal? None of this is new to any of us. The big deal is that we forget. We think we can handle it. We think we can push through it and catch up on our rest when the weekend comes, when the project is complete, when the play is over. (Yeah, right!) We think we are invincible. There is a big difference between being powerful and being invincible. We are most powerful when we remember to care for ourselves.

Being too tired is a big deal. And as creative, intelligent, responsible women, we don’t have time to be too tired! I’ll say it again – We are most powerful when we remember to take care of ourselves.

I forgot this very simple fact and I got a couple of wake-up calls. I’m going to take the call. I’m going to take a nap.

Get some rest, Mamas! Then, let’s get out there and be powerful (and alert)!

Does being responsible to/for someone else mean you have to please them? 

I’ll speak in the first person because I know this role so well. Being a chronic people pleaser often makes me feel as if everyone else is in charge of my behavior. It makes me feel that I have no control over my time. It makes me feel that I have very few choices. In reality - I KNOW I am the only one in charge of me. I KNOW I have numerous choices (sometimes limited by circumstances - but choices nonetheless) that only I can make for myself every moment of every day. I think art, theater, and writing remind me that I do have those choices and having these acts of creation in my life on a daily basis shakes me out of the people-pleasing stupor. 

The desire to please others, the belief that I can please others and the perceptions I have about having pleased them well or having disappointed them are for the most part fictional. It is a story I make up in my head. Unchecked, this fictional narrative becomes my primary source of motivation. I hand over my free will and my personal creative power to my perception of another person’s perception of me. 

This feels yucky and powerless. So why do I do it? I think the first answer is survival. I think we learn it in the womb - okay maybe that’s going back a bit far, but I think you know what I mean. If we please the big people when we are little people, the big people reward us and protect us. The second answer is that I don’t want to grow up. I am not a little person anymore. I am responsible for my own rewards and my own self-care. Therefore I no longer need to please the big people in order to survive. But, instead of individuating (becoming the whole, self-governed individuals we are meant to be), I carry the little person’s operating system out into the big world with me and project big person status onto various people like my boss, my co-workers, my collaborators, some peers, teachers, doctors, police, the media … and my daughter. 

Wait a minute! Did I just say I project big person status onto my daughter and behave as if I am the little person who needs to please her in order to survive? Yes, I did. Now, that’s just backwards, isn’t it? So what would frontwards look like? I am me. My daughter is her own person. My boss is his own person. My mother is her own person. None of us has to please the other in order to survive. My mother may be disappointed in me, but those are her feelings based on her expectations. My daughter may be disappointed because I won’t let her have a second popsicle. She may throw a fit because her expectation of a second Popsicle has been thwarted by mom - again. If she throws a fit, we will all survive. None of us has to please the other in order to live through a temper tantrum. And for the bigger picture - how do I raise my daughter to be a self-governed, powerful, creative human being. I know there is some magical parenting fairy dust out there somewhere that will allow me to set age appropriate limits for her without making her feel like a “little person”.

In summary, people-pleasing is a story we make up in our heads which unchecked can become our primary motivating force. When this happens we are giving our creative power and our daily choices away and acting as if we have none. It is funny, sometimes, when I catch myself people pleasing (sometimes I do it when I am ordering my dinner in a restaurant) and I think, “Wow, I just gave my free will to that poor waiter over there and he has absolutely no idea what to do with it.”

Part II
People-Pleasing: The Blessing

In Part I, I confessed to a lifelong struggle with my compulsion to make everyone “like” me. This is my curse. Before I get to the flipside of the curse, however, I would like to share with you the words of a very wise woman (to whom I am eternally grateful and will always love). These words were the wake-up call that shook me from the people-pleasing trance:

This is the “Rule of Thirds”

Whenever you walk into a room of people,
1/3 will think you are fantastic,
1/3 will dislike you no matter what,
And the other third won’t even know you are there.

Attribution Unknown (If you know, let me know.)

Onwards with the flipside of the people-pleasing curse. It is important to note, if you are a chronic people-pleaser like me, that people-pleasing can only be a blessing if you are aware that it is part of your operating system. When you are aware of it, it can become a blessing in the following ways:

It alerts you to your fears:
If I can catch myself in the midst of a people-pleasing moment and reign it in, I have the opportunity to ask myself, “What am I afraid of?” My people-pleasing is almost always fear based. Remember, it is a survival instinct. Asking “What am I afraid of?” is a fear busting act. Once you can identify the underlying fear behind the “automatic” behavior of people-pleasing, you can face your fear objectively and be closer to attaining personal freedom.

It means you are observant and sensitive:
If you are a people-pleaser you are probably alert to non-verbal clues, shifts in tone and voice. You probably listen for the meaning behind the words of the person you are speaking with. You may not even be aware of these skills, but you most likely own them and use them daily. This is a good thing as long as you can engage in objective observation and not projection.

You know how to work it:
A really skilled people-pleaser can fit in almost anywhere. I’m a very WASPY middle aged mom who has successfully people-pleased her way through a biker party without engaging in any activity that would make me ashamed. This was actually a REAL Harley Riding Biker Party not a wannabe biker party. Tough guys and even tougher women! I was the only one there wearing pink! Now, tell me people-pleasing is not a valuable skill. (And don’t ask me how I got there. It’s a long story.)

I do have to add here that the biker lifestyle; the camaraderie, freedom, and nomadic adventurer thing – is intriguing. It would be cool to have another lifetime just to explore living like that. But, NOPE, I’m a WASPY middle aged mom – can’t go there.

There you have it: The three blessings of being a people-pleaser. And the bonus of some unwanted insight into my closet biker wannabe personality. Please keep in mind that these are merely my opinions based on personal observation. I have no research to back up my claims and I’m not a psychologist. I’m just a mom who likes to hear herself write.

Go out and enjoy your free will today - create something powerful for yourself!

define: fallow

Here is some of what Google came up with:

• Left unplowed and unseeded during a growing season; "fallow farmland"
• Undeveloped but potentially useful; "a fallow gold market"
• The practice of leaving a field for one year (out of three) uncropped to recover its natural fertility. (Fields not fallowed must be given costly fertilizer each year. Desperate third world farmers often cannot afford fertilizer, and also cannot afford to leave a field fallow. Such fields will soon lose their fertility.)
• Land is considered fallow if it is kept free of growing plants during the growing season (March to October) using cultivation. The process is called "fallowing."

For our purposes fallowing is a skill that artists must cultivate in order to maintain their creative fertility. But for many of us this is easier said than done.

We resist fallowing because we are fearful that it will never end. We fear that any “down time” is an indication that we have lost our creativity and artistic inspiration forever. And although we may posses the knowledge that fallowing is valuable and necessary to our creative fertility – the actual practice of fallowing makes us shiver in our boots. We push and push and push ourselves, then one day we find ourselves staring at a blank page and we diagnose ourselves with writer’s block. Boom! We’re dead in the water!

I think this fear is exasperated for artist moms. What if we find ourselves lying limp in a pile of laundry 3 months or (gulp) 3 years from now!?! Just thinking of the energy it will take to re-establish those hard-won boundaries to reclaim our artistic time/space is enough to make us lock ourselves in the laundry room once and for all.

So how do we push past this fear and allow ourselves the recovery time we need? One solution is to never give up the boundaries we have established around our creative practice no matter what our current creative practice may look like. We can maintain our creative time/space and simply use it differently – for recovery rather than productivity. We can go into our “work” room, hang up the Do Not Disturb sign and paint our toenails instead of the canvas.

Sometimes we don’t know how much time we actually need to spend fallowing. We will keep staring at the clock and the calendar and asking, “Am I fertile yet.” Our artistic community can come in handy here. Make a tea date with someone in your artistic community. If you can’t keep yourself from talking about your creative ideas and vision – then it is time to get back into action artistically speaking. If your conversation tends more to shopping, books, travel, relationships, kids (all wonderful things), then you are still in fallowing mode. Enjoy the conversation and the tea. Treat yourself to something that makes you feel delicious.

Our mantras, “I am that” and “Simply being. Not doing.” can come in handy during our fallowing too. “I am that” means you wear many hats, but you are not defined by the hat you happen to be wearing in the moment. A nice alternative mantra might be “I am ALL that. No matter what”. Hang on to your artistic identity no matter what. Artists empower themselves when they give themselves the time they need to regenerate their creative spirits.

“Simply Being. Not Doing” is a reminder that you are not a human “doing” you are a human “being”. Simply be that and let go of doing for awhile. The most important questions we can ask ourselves during our periods of artistic fallowing are:

What makes me feel good?

What makes me laugh?

Who will give me a foot massage?

May your fallowing be rich and self-nurturing!

Almost every book I’ve read on creativity and creative writing recommends going for a walk to get the creative juices flowing. Brenda Euland’s, If You Want To Write, makes walking practically mandatory. Kenneth Atchity in A Writer’s Time tells about a time he ran around the block to avoid a creative “slump”. When returned winded, his writing began to flow once again. Both of these teachers believe that moving yourself physically is an excellent way to shake off the blahs. Move! Get your blood pumping and those synapses firing once again.

The best thing you can do is know yourself. Know what works and go do it. (Now, if shopping therapy is what does it for you, you might want to freeze those credit cards in a block of ice and use the time it takes them to thaw to come up with a new strategy.)

Here’s a list of the Ten Ways to Refuel Your Creative Energy.

(If you want to add some of your own, visit the guestbook and leave all of your creative sisters a love note.)

1. Walk or Run – Get out of your head and into your body. Oxygenate the blood and get the heart pumping.
   
   
2. Go on a Book Crawl –Walk up and down the aisles of your favorite bookstore and read the spines of the books. Touch the books. Feel the paper. Get tactile and relish the way black ink jumps off the page into your heart and mind. Browse through the sections you’ve never been in before.
   
   
3. People Watch – Go sit on the stoop with a cup of coffee. Go to the local coffee shop, get your latte and settle yourself into a corner with a good vantage point. (Bring along a notebook. You will probably need it.)
   
   
4. Find the Music that Matches Your Mood and Relish It – Dive into that blue mood. Dive into your exhaustion. Play the music that makes you feel it. Dance to it or sit still. Play it loud and go wherever it takes you. Take the journey through your feelings by pouring them into the music.
   
   
5. Clean Something Until is Sparkles – This is a good time to clean the grout with a toothbrush. Don’t leave that bathroom until every tile shines.
   
   
6. Color – Keep a collection of children’s coloring books handy. Get yourself a brand new box of Crayolas. That waxy smell will trigger something, I guarantee it. Susanne F. Fincher’s Mandala coloring books are a great treat if this is what does it for you.
   
   
7. Go on Creativity Fast – Tell yourself you are not allowed to create anything at all for a minimum of 48 hours. Do not pick up a pencil or paintbrush and do not turn on the computer. You are fasting. This will actually drive you nuts and by the time your fast is over you should be ready for a creative binge.
   
   
8. Make a Play Date – Get connected with that friend you haven’t seen for three months. The one who lets you pour your heart and soul out and the one who pours her heart and soul out to you. Call her up and make a lunch date. Start pouring and fill each other’s cups.
   
   
9. Get out of Town – Take a weekend off and go by yourself. Keep the phone numbers of your favorite B&B’s handy. If you can’t manage a whole weekend, then go for the day. Travel alone – that’s the key.
   
   
10. Try Something New – Take a woodcarving or a bellydance class. Whatever it is, make sure it is something brand new and completely unrelated to your craft. Break out of that creative comfort zone.
    

Mix and match from all of the above and find what works for you. You can make your own Creative First Aid Kit. Fill it with crayolas, music, walking shoes, and emergency phone numbers.

Many things in our lives are non-negotiable. They are the bottom line things such as a roof over our heads, sunlight, bread, water, our children, sleep, and food.

But, there are also many things in our lives that have become non-negotiable because we are used to them, we don’t question them, and we don’t evaluate and define our priorities. In the realm of motherhood these are usually things we think we have to do to be a “good” mom: carpools, making our own baby food, having a kitchen floor that you could eat off of, etc. The non-negotiable will be different for each of us. But, there are things basic to our survival that will be on all of our lists. Abraham Maslow developed the Hierarchy of Needs in the form of a pyramid placing survival and physiological needs at the base and esteem and actualization at the top.

You can view the source of this information and see a picture of the pyramid on Wikipedia.

I agree with Maslow’s theory. I don’t pretend to understand the intricacies of it or the research behind it, but it makes sense. And most sensible people will make the assumption that artistic expression and creative fulfillment should be placed at the top of the pyramid in the realms of esteem or actualization.

However, for the sake of art, I am going to make the outrageous argument that we give ourselves permission to move our creativity as close to the base of the pyramid as possible.

When I am not creating, I feel it in my body. The same way you can physically feel the loss of love during a painful break up. For an artist the need to create and share her art is a physiological need. She must create and express herself in order to feel fully alive. When I am not creating, expressing, or challenging my skills and craft as a writer, actress, or director, I feel physically numb. I call this living in the “Drone Zone”. Now, I can get used to this numbness and live in the “Drone Zone”. At some low points in my life, I’ve done that successfully for several years, but that isn’t living. It is barely surviving.

Consider Joan’s monologue in Act VI of George Bernard Shaw’s Saint Joan. She is speaking to her judges who have given her the choice between signing a confession and living in their dungeons for the rest of her life or being burned at the stake. She says:

Light your fire …

You think that life is nothing but not being stone dead. It is not the bread and water I fear: I can live on bread: when have I asked for more? It is no hardship to drink water if the water be clean. Bread has no sorrow for me, and water no affliction. But to shut me from the light of the sky and the sight of the fields and flowers; to chain my feet so that I can never again ride with the soldiers nor climb the hills; to make me breathe foul damp darkness, and keep from me everything that brings me back to the love of God when your wickedness and foolishness tempt me to hate Him: all this is worse than the furnace in the Bible that was heated seven times. I could do without my warhorse; I could drag about in a skirt, I could let the banners and the trumpets and the knights and soldiers pass me and leave me behind as they leave the other women, if only I could still hear the wind in the trees, the larks in the sunshine, the young lambs crying through the healthy frost, and the blessed, blessed church bells that send my angel voices floating to me on the wind. But without these things I cannot live; and by your wanting to take them away from me, or from any human creature, I know that your counsel is of the devil and that mine is of God.

I love that monologue. It gives me goose bumps.

So, let’s say, our artistic inspiration and creative expression are to us what the “wind in the trees” and the “blessed, blessed church bells” are to Joan. Without them, we are not alive. So often I hear people say they are afraid to take a dance class or claim space in the house to set up their easel and paints because they don’t want to short change their children or take time away from their families. Of course we don’t want to short change our children. But let’s consider this, how fun is it to live with a mommy who is in the “Drone Zone”?

When a Creative Mama is not creating for the sake of being a “good” mom, she is not expressing her gifts or sharing our best self with those she loves. Consider the legacy of raising a daughter who has a kitchen floor clean enough to eat off of or raising a daughter who gives herself permission to express herself with color, music, or poetry. We teach by example. Our children soak us up like sponges every day. Living in the “Drone Zone” is a poor example to give them. It is short changing our children.

Here is what I am suggesting. Build your own pyramid and put your creativity as close to the bottom as possible. While you’re at it teach your daughters to build their own pyramids. You will have to make choices, re-evaluate your priorities, and probably negotiate for some help, but it is worth it. Make your art non-negotiable.

The standard lingo sounds like this:

“A coach helps you make the changes you want make in your life.”
Or
“As a coach I partner with you to help you realize the life of your dreams.”

Whenever I talked about coaching using language like this I would see people’s eyes glaze over and I knew they had just turned down the volume button on their ears. Or, I might get a reaction similar to my Great Aunt Tilly’s, “That’s nice dear. But, what is it you actually do?”

So there I was walking down Ocean Parkway on my way to catch the F train having this conversation in my head when a truck horn blared in my ear and woke me from my trance. When I looked up, there was a huge MACK truck coming straight at me. Fortunately it wasn’t coming very fast. I even had time to give the driver one of those, “Yeah, thanks buddy. Back at you” kinds of waves people in Brooklyn are known for.

But I took a second look at the truck because something caught my eye. On the front of the truck there was a tinted plexi-plastic bug shield with the words “Live Your Dream” painted on it in beautiful pink and purple script. My first thought was, “Live your dream? What a weird thing for a trucker to have painted on a bug shield.”

Then it hit me. Dare I say like a MACK truck! A coach is exactly like a MACK truck with a great big “Live Your Dream” bug shield on the hood. A coach is there to help you get from Point A: where you are to Point B: where you want to be. A coach is exactly like a full-service “Live Your Dream” Trucking Company. So, as your full-service “Live Your Dream” Trucking Company, here’s what a coach can do for you:

1. Where are you moving? The coach is there to help you define a clear vision of your Point B (the life you want to be living). So when you get there, you know you’re there.
   
2. Where are you now? And how many miles are there between here and there? The coach helps you plan your course and create the map that will get you from Point A to Point B.
   
3. When do you want to get there? You will work with your coach to create a realistic timeline.
   
4. How much stuff are you taking with you? The coach will help you assess what is working and what isn’t working. They will help you load the truck with the things that are working and leave as much of the rest behind as you can.
   
5. How many boxes and how much bubble wrap do you need? The coach encourages you to take very good care of yourself. Roads are bumpy. Change is hard. The better care you take with yourself and your packing, the more likely you are to arrive at your final destination in one piece.
   
6. Hit the road. Mile by mile and step by step your coach is there to help you take the actions you must willingly take to reach your dream.
   
7. Careful unpacking. Now that you have arrived the coach is there to help you create the new environment that will allow you to sustain your dream.

That’s it. You’re done. You have arrived safely. You can say thanks and so long to your coach. But, be sure to keep the number of the “Live Your Dream” Trucking Company handy because you never know when you may be ready to make another move.

Finally, I arrived safely at my destination, the F train. The workshop was a success. I even got some people up on their feet, on their way in their figurative moving truck, and one more mile closer to their “Dream” destination.

Go Live your Dream. Have fun. If you want a coach to help you make your way, give me a call. In the meantime, I’ll be off hunting down another metaphor to club relentlessly.